35 weeks down.....5 to go. And I am pathetic.

I entered a new phase of pregnancy this past weekend.  It is a phase in which I can take all of the discomfort from the last 35 weeks, multiply their intensity by some horrible number, and then experience them all at the same time.

I'm also complaining more according to Mr. Hottie. I hadn't realized it, but yes, I am. So I'm going to get it out of my system as much as I can right now so that everyone around me can enjoy my last few weeks =)

I was warned about those last weeks. But like most warnings, it is hard to take them seriously until the misery is upon me.

1. How can I still have 5 weeks left??? I keep looking at the calendar and counting the weeks and days yet again, hoping I've made a mistake somewhere...but I haven't.

2. She has moved to a different bedroom, so to speak, and is now riding looooow. And with that, she has room to stretch her legs and move like she never has before. I feel all of the pressure of her weight directly between my legs and in the southernmost parts of the southern hemisphere of my belly, but I feel most* of her movement in the upper part of the northern hemisphere.  If you see me and notice something strange about me, it's just the baby sticking her hand out to wave "hello!".  Disgusting image in your head now? Good. That's how uncomfortable I am.

*She is headbutting and/or punching my bladder and other tender inner parts that are not located at the top of my belly on a regular basis.

3. I identify with most of this short blog post.

4. I have also developed a funky cough, which freaks me out every time I have an attack.  I'm scared that she will fly out from the pressure of my hacking.

5. I'm as big as the world. Literally.

Enough whining...

1. I am going to really miss feeling her move inside of me and feeling like I am the absolutely most important person in the world to her.  I know that that part of our relationship will still continue to a point, but after she's born I'll have to share her affection with her daddy, and he is not exactly indifferent about her birth and the bond they will share. I'm already a little bit jealous ;-)

2. I am going to miss hearing Darren say, "Hurry up and be born," and "Isn't it time yet??" and "Not until you go to the hospital and make that baby come out".  His being so anxious and excited is very special and adorable. He's even trying to use it against me now.  We were laying in bed this morning, deciding if we were ever going to wake up completely, and I, of course, was hungry.  So I told him I wanted him to make me pancakes.  He said, "Are you ready to go to the hospital?".  Umm, no...?  "Then you get to make the pancakes". What a bully!

3. I am going to miss daydreaming about what she'll look like or how cute she'll look in her clothes.  I'm going to miss daydreaming about bathing her and smelling her head and kissing her soft baby fluff all over.  I am going to miss daydreaming about all the ideal parts of having a newborn in the house.  And, I am going to miss pretending like the cruddy parts don't and won't exist. Sleepless nights? Ha! Not for me.

I've reserved the right to lie to myself as much as I please.

4. I am so excited to finally find out what "IT" is all about. All of "it".  Labor, delivery, having the product of my womb to care for, breastfeeding, not sleeping, getting around with a baby, etc. It's a totally new stage of life for which I am feeling grossly underprepared, but I'm ready to figure it out and start the learning.

5. I CANNOT wait until her blessing day.  Why, you ask? Well, because I am actually prepared for something: I found, ordered, and received her dress already.  It is gorgeous.  I hope to have all of my daughters blessed in this dress.

6. I will miss the feeling of not being able to imagine being pregnant, much like I currently can't imagine not being pregnant.

O Christmas Tree

The underside of our tree had many a Christmas present to bear. It almost looked excessive, but really, it wasn't.

Mr. Hottie wins the prize for being the best at gift giving (all except that Star Trek movie...unless his gift was really Chris Pine, in which case, nicely done). He's really good at just KNOWING.  I envy him for it.

That boy got me a nook, jewelry, a jewelry tree stand, sewing machine, several movies, a few games for the Xbox (guess who is going to start dancing away her baby weight in a few months with her fancy new games? And nobody will eeeever have to see it), a couple of books, a cool mug, and the most adorable little Banana Republic baby shoes you've ever seen in your life.  To quote my little sister, "Your baby can walk across my face in those shoes, they are so soft and cute".  I don't know why, but that sums up just how awesome the shoes are.

I hope I didn't forget to list anything.... (sorry if I did, Darren =))

His haul wasn't too shabby either, though my gift that I thought was so cool......he already owns.  So, scratch that.  We will be returning it and replacing it with something else.  Then all will be right with the world.

He threatened to buy even more gifts next year.  Not for me of course, but for our baby.  I tried to convince him that she wouldn't even be a year old by then, but he went deaf on me.

Heaven help us all. This kid gon' get spoilt.

It's hard to win a battle of wits with a child

Scene: 
On the couch in my parents' living room.

Characters: 
Nathaniel, age 8; is tugging on the arm of the couch until the very last line
Uncle Darren, age 27; lounging on the couch like he is never going to get up again
Aunt Emily, age 24; lounging very similarly to Uncle Darren, but willing to move upon request

Nathaniel: Hey, can you get off the couch? I need to pull it out from the wall and get back there to get something.

Aunt Emily immediately pulls herself off the couch.

Nathaniel: Uncle Darren.  Uncle Darren!

Aunt Emily: Darren, he's trying to talk to you.

Uncle Darren (having been distracted by another conversation): Oh, I'm sorry, what do you need?

Nathaniel: I need you to get off the couch so I can move it.

Uncle Darren: You mean you can't lift it with me on it?

Nathaniel: No...

Uncle Darren: I can lift it with you on it.

Nathaniel:  Exhibits a very contemplative expression

Uncle Darren: Exhibits a very cocky expression

Nathaniel (with an air of total triumph and a huge grin, while walking away from the couch): Okay, you do it!

Uncle Darren immediately flew off the couch.

This post is whiny and not whiny. I apologize for your whiplash.

1. Good news! Darren will still get to play his X-box on Christmas since the world didn't end.  I foresee a very early morning for the Texas Browns next Tuesday...

2. And just for the record, I was totally on the pot when the appointed time for apocalypse passed. I can't think of a better way to have spent that moment.

3. Of course this means we have to pay rent next month, and I won't deny that there was a liiiiiiiiiittle part of me willing to make that trade.

4. I told him I wouldn't get all ridiculous and blog about this, but it turns out I can't stop myself: my baby daddy FINALLY felt the baby kick! After weeks and months of, "Put your hand right here! Now! Look, my tummy is dancing! Aaagh! Why does she stop moving right when you look or touch!", my efforts have finally paid off ( ;-) ). I do believe this will make me a slightly less needy baby momma when it comes to begging him to spend time trying to feel her move. I know this sounds weird, but in the moment I knew he had to have felt her (of course he refused to confirm or deny any alleged feeling for several minutes.....torture), it really became real. She isn't just this baby growing in my gut, but she is OUR baby.  She kicked HIS hand.  In a weird way I feel like their bonding process has officially begun, and for some reason that means so much to me. I know that the bond I feel with her is intense, and it feels as though it has always been there, but that is largely because she is inside of me.....and I can't escape her.  To quote Gloria from a recent episode of Modern Family, "I am always in front of the baby!". I cannot comprehend when or how bonding takes place or is supposed to begin for fathers.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that she has become more tangible to him than a massive belly on his wife, I can feel like she is real for both of us.

I cannot wait to see him be a daddy.

5. I was really hoping I could feel like this the whole pregnancy:

Not so.

6. I cannot wait to stop feeling so large, for the back and hip pain to take a chill pill, to stop bumping my tummy into people and things, to wear my wedding ring again, to stop hearing, "You're due when?? Are you going to go that long??", to roll over comfortably in bed again, to not have to get out of bed clutching my tummy because it feels like it will fall off if I don't, to not have to grunt like a constipated troll every time I put on my tennis shoes or my boots--slip on moccasin house slippers don't cut it for every occasion, to stop having to forego the boots because my ankles are too swollen, to stop feeling handicapped every time I need to get something out of a high or low place, to stop running out of breath or energy simply because I haven't paused to rest in 5 minutes, to stop having to gasp and hold my breath in public every time she does something unexpected--like arm wrestling my spleen, for instance.

7. I can wait for the end of all the congratulations, sweet looks, and sympathetic expressions I get from strangers.  I know I'd feel sorry for this:

My shirts have stopped covering the stretchy part of my pants too. Couldn't look sexier if I tried.

8. Don't get me wrong--I am nothing if not grateful for this opportunity.  But I can't pretend it isn't miserable a lot of the time.  And I hear it's only going to get worse from here on out.  I find that hard to imagine.

9.  I attribute most of my pain to this scenario:

She wants out.

10. And I'm going to have to clip those nails of her ASAPAB.

11. I missed the memo about a gift exchange at our work dinner last night.  I'm the best coworker ever! So I walked away with really awesome hair products, a Willow Tree statuette, and a small pile of freshly purchased and adorable baby outfits.

They got nothing from me. I'll make it up to them somehow. At least there are only 4 of them, and two are married, so I can wiggle that down to three.

12. Baby had an appendage stuck in my ribs while I was trying to sleep the other morning (very early morning).  The entirety of that dream involved me sitting on those uncomfortable church pews trying my very hardest to get comfortable even though I could feel her so squarely in my rib cage.  When I finally woke up and discovered it was true, the real, physical discomfort was almost enough to make me vomit. I flopped into a different position as quickly as I could and noogied her (through my ribs, of course) to encourage her to squirm into a better position.

13. 6 WEEKS LEFT AS OF TOMORROW! Time is flying.  And crawling.  Forget Houdini, time is a much more impressive magician.

14. I don't think I'm a nester.  Who wants to come fold all the baby clothes I have that need to be put away? And while you're at it, rearrange our dresser situation so that there is a place to put it all?

15. Despite our incomplete stockings and tree decorations (next Christmas we will have everything we want....the first newlywed Christmas is supposed to be ragtag, right?? =)), I love our little Christmas corner.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

Love, 

Darren, Emily, and Baby

Just in case you haven't peed your pants yet...

Freezing my buns off

I'm so excited about this cold front...I really hope it decides to stick around for a few months.  In all the excitement, I decided that it is safe to open my window at night again! Hooray for natural cooling!

Darren insisted it was a silly idea.  It is too cold for that.

Too cold? Nonsense. Nothing is too cold for a sweaty, pregnant Emily--especially at night.

Boy, was I wrong.

Problem is, I can't close the window myself.  It is too tough.  So as soon as I knew Darren's final alarm had gone off this morning I shoved my hands under his back commenting on how so very warm he is (he generates heat like a space heater, but since we have a bigger bed now his heat does me no good unless I am touching him, which makes it hard for us to sleep. Hence, the need for a gigantic bed in which we have our own space to dwell).

He simply rolls his head towards me and says in a sleepy voice, "D'you learn your lesson?".

Yes, jerk*. I did. Now please close the window. And good morning to you too.

I'm certain it become ten degrees less cold in the room within a half hour.

Lesson learned? Darren is right when it comes to the outside temperature and window relationship. Heed his snarky remarks regarding such, and I will never freeze my buns off again.


*I insult him with nothing but the deepest love and affection from the bottom of my heart =) ...for the record, he closed my window right away.  What a hunk.

H2O

I just have to brag real quickly about how I'm staying on top of my water intake like a boss.

I know....the wee one is due in 8 weeks, and I'm JUST now keeping track. Two days, to be precise.

Well, for your info it is getting harder to be lazy about it.  I am really noticing when I feel less hydrated. Boo on that!

That being said, it isn't even 6 o'clock and I've exceeded my daily goal. BAM!

Take that, self.

The Great Bambina is BORED

1.  I feel like the baby and I are both bored with this pregnancy.  Her behavior this week has become what can only be described as hyper.  She is exploring new places inside of me that have never been quite so abused, and she is moving SO MUCH. Like, most of the day.  I think that perhaps her sense of "of course it fits" is just as bad as mine....I'm the worst at judging whether or not I will be able to squeeze into/through certain spaces (like, between an occupied chair and a wall....for some reason I think I can suck in my ribs).  Anyway, she is stretching me in ways that I can't help but think, "Really? YOU DON'T FIT THERE. Now get back in the middle of my tummy where you don't hurt me."

We already have a sassy dialogue going between the two of us. Besties for life.

2.  I think I had my first two painful Braxton Hicks while sleeping last night.  Either that or she was practicing fencing in there.  In either case, I was sleeping and the pain woke me up enough to consider those options and then fall back asleep.  I'm going with the BH since I had a few of those during an Awake Time.

3.  My nights are currently divided into three sections: Sleep Time, Bathroom Time, and Awake Time.

Sleep Time:

When I am sleeping...obviously.

Bathroom Time:

When I am up long enough to walk to the bathroom, use the facilities, and walk back to the bed.

Awake Time:

Any time spent conscious that is not included in Bathroom Time, i.e. time spent laying in bed trying to sleep, time spent laying in bed playing on my phone because I can't sleep, time spent turning over and over in hopes I will get comfy, time spent laying there feeling the baby turn herself into whatever awesome position she feels like at the moment--usually prevents a speedy fall asleep time for her dear mom, time spent sitting on the kitchen floor with a bottle of water and a sleeve of crackers, and time spent watching TV when normal people are sleeping

I love Sleep Time. I am inconvenienced by Bathroom Time.  I have peacefully resigned myself to the throws of Awake Time.  I no longer lay there angry about it, but have accepted it as my lot. This is partly because by the time my alarm is squawking I am excessively exhausted no matter how much sleep I get (or don't get).

4. I went in for blood work yesterday and had the best phlebotomist.  I didn't feel hardly anything...she's a champ.

5. I am so excited for our first and last Christmas without kids. I feel like it is extra magical because it is our first married one, and it is 100% overshadowed with the expectation of having a little one just old enough to enjoy the merriment of next year's Christmas. Even though she won't remember it, she'll be old enough to harrass the Christmas tree, the presents, and anything else she can reach, and we'll get to experience her giggles while she does all that. I already can't wait to take pictures of it!

6. David comes home next week. Oh. My. Goodness. No offense to my other brothers, but I've never been so excited to have a sibling missionary return. It's going to be so weird. I can't wait.

I laugh so hard when I read this.   His snarky attitude is so apparent throughout the whole thing. I'm really interested to know how David of the Future (who has turned into David of the Present) reacts when he reads that again....according to his letters he's already become more of a sap than he ever planned on becoming, so I imagine that the last comment he wrote to himself will come true.

The Automated Lady

"Thank you for calling the Blue Cross Blue Shield Provider Services Line...what is your NPI? What is the member ID/date of birth/eye color/deepest secret?

"You are calling on member, Emily."  (we'll use my name as our example)

"Before we get started, say the option you would like to hear. Claims, covera--"

"Coverage and benefits."

"I'm sorry, but I did not understand you.  To hear about claims, press 1.  For coverage and benefits, press 2--"

Coverage and benefits.

"Claims mailing address. Is this the correct choice?"

"No, COV-ER-AGE AND BEN-EF-ITS."

"I'm sorry, but I did not understand you. To hear about claims, press 1.  For coverage and benefits, press 2--"

Finger slams on the "2" key.

"Alright, coverage and benefits."

Finger slams ont the "0" key.

"We can connect you to a customer service advocate only after making you suffer through a hundred more years of our automated system.   Would you like to repeat that or return to main menu?"

"Neither."

"If you are finished, you may hang up."

"Rude....I'm not. Customer service."

"Before we get started, say the option you would like to hear..."

"Gahhh! Coverage and benefits!"

"Claims. Is this the correct choice?

"NO."

Silence

"If you are finished, you may hang up."

"But I'm NOT!"

"Before we get started, say the option you would like to hear..."

"Coverage and benefits."

"Coverage and benefits.  Is this the correct choice?"

"Yes! Finally, yes!"

The Automated Lady gives me all the info she can about the patient's chiropractic coverage

"Would you like a faxed confirmation of these benefits?"

"No. Customer service."

"Okay, please wait a moment while I connect with a customer advocate."

"Hallelujah!"

Sit on hold for.............forever so that I can collect the information that FOR SOME REASON The Automated Lady doesn't know.

Finally get through to someone.

Wrap it up in under 90 seconds.

All I needed was a human to speak with from the beginning, obviously.