Stretch marks are beautiful?

You know what I'm tired of seeing?

Touchy feely write-ups/memes/videos/you name its about how "beautiful" stretch marks are. The kind one develops while carrying a child within their womb.

I don't care how you spin it, THOSE THINGS ARE NOT PRETTY. No amount of, "every mark I have reminds me of the time I carried you" sappiness will every change that. You know what else carrying a baby did to my body? Let's not go there. Let's just say that those things aren't pretty either. Neither can they be glamorized as reminders of pregancy. Ain't nothing glamorous about them.

I am all too aware that I carried a child within my womb. It wakes me up every morning by slamming a remote control on my face. It cries when I leave a room, and pitifully races after me on its hands and knees....sometimes just one knee. It looks like the spitting image of my husband. It will call me "Momma" whenever it learns how to talk. It has my heart so fully within her grasp, that I can't even fathom a time when she wasn't with me, and my heart wants to explode when I think about trying to measure my love for her.

Let's look at stretch marks for what they are: battle scars. Yeah, sure, scars are cool and all that, but that's exactly what they are. Fleshy, wonky, and ugly leftovers from war. And it isn't like each time one (or a million) cropped up we go, "Awww...I will treasure YOU forever, little purple lightning bolt". Thoughts tend to be less tender than that.

Is there such thing as a genuinely pretty scar? I contend that there is not.

Are all scars cool? HECK YES.

Do I proudly display the ones I have in exposable places, simply because they are cool? You bet I do.

This may all sound like bitter ranting, and I'm sure you're all thinking, "Poor Emily, bless her little heart. She must feel so self-conscious and unhappy with her stretch marks". Or worse, "Ugh, Emily is so ungrateful. I can't believe she'd complain about something like stretch marks. That's part of having a baby!". PRECISELY. It's just part of having a baby for a huge percentage of women. I understand the motive behind the "stretch marks are beautiful reminders" movement. Women tend to be self-conscious about their bodies, and some have a harder time coping with the atrocities child-bearing can leave behind (believe you me, I KNOW how that goes).

I agree that it is important that women learn to love and accept their bodies, new designs and all. But I will be hanged if I am told one more time that I need to appreciate these stupid stretch marks. "But honey, stretch marks are simply beautiful reminders of the life you brought into this world". Ohmuhgosh. Stop. Would I trade them for my beautiful baby? Never in a million years. Trillion years. Never. I would take stretch marks on my face if it meant getting that gorgeous daughter of mine. But do I have to appreciate them? The same way I appreciate my body's new ability to not hold its pee until I get to a bathroom, despite my direct orders to do so? The same way I appreciate some other cosmetic changes that we won't get into? Heavens, no.

I'll never appreciate them, cherish them, or be proud of them. They did not carry the baby, I did. I am indescribably proud of my body for that.

My body is amazing, stretch marks and other new quirks notwithstanding.

11 months

So...apparently I only post on a monthly basis now. Sigh.

Emma is 11 months old! Less than a month away until she is a whole YEAR old! So strange.

She plays like a toddler. She is very aware of everything, and she plays in a very focused way. We think she is a genius.

To celebrate we bought her a new-to-us crib for a super low price! I'm pretty excited about that because the crib she'd been sleeping in was pretty old, and the mattress wouldn't go low enough. Her chances of throwing herself over the side have decreased by about a billion.

A Few of the Things About Emma That We Find Hilarious/Adorable/Inspiring/Rewarding/ETC:

• She waves. I die. The words "hi", "bye", and "goodnight" are her prompt words. She frequently waves at the mirror and smiles (OH THE CUTENESS). She is really into double waves as well (both hands involved..again, OH THE CUTENESS).
• Her ability to imitate improves daily. We have grunting wars several times throughout the day. 
• She knows no obstacle and is a bit of a climber. She loves to climb on and off my parents' hearth, and if there is something, such as a box, between her and her objective, she will climb on it as much as necessary to accomplish her goal. This is dangerous. 
• Sitting on a bar stool at my mom's the other day while Emma was doing some ground exploration, I was made aware of her unexpectedly close presence when I noticed her little feet kicking in  my periphery--she had climbed over the lowest rungs of the stool I was on and was basically planking on them, unable to move forward or backward. 
• She makes herself laugh. She does this by either doing something hilarious, like throwing her socks down and picking them up again, or by making funny sounds. Sometimes she can entertain herself for minutes at a time.
• She LOVES Jack Donaghy (the dog)....from a distance. Not even a distance really, she just needs a measure of protection. She isn't a fan of sitting alone on the floor where he can just lick her head willy nilly. Her favorites are beating on the windows in the kitchen door when he's on the other side and playing with him through the doggy gate. 
• She watches us to make sure we notice her. She is shy, yet she craves attention. Often this means throwing her head into my neck, then checking to make sure the other person is watching, then going crazy for a few seconds (in which I nearly drop her every. time.), then diving her face into my neck again. Last Saturday she bought me an extra half hour of sleep by playing hard to get with Daddy as he was heading out to work on the yard. Everywhere he walked, she would follow with her head and "talk to him". She even would go towards his location in the room by crawling across the bed (thanks to me for her not crawling right off the edge). She flirted so hard (and I complained so hard), that eventually he just gave in and took her to the living room for some one-on-one cartoon watching so I could sleep ;) ...bless her.
• She has a very mischievous smile.
• Her snuggles are the very best in the history of snuggling babies.
• She is an angry crib stripper. As in, she attempts to yank off her clothing if she's angry enough when she's left to cry in her crib. 
• She is slooooooooooooooooowly grasping the concept of kissing. She tried to make-out with me a few times the last couple days, and I loved it. Open-mouthed baby kisses are the BEST!

10 MONTHS

I CANNOT believe this little girl is already 10 months old! How? How does time fly by SO quickly?! 

Emma has a hilarious personality, and never ceases to crack me up. How did I not know that babies this small could be so funny? I've always known they were cute, but seriously--she makes me LAUGH. My favorite is when she knows she's being funny, or when she knows we're being funny, and her laugh is deliberate. Oh my. So much cuteness.

Things That Make Emma Mimma Super Duper Awesome:

• Her cheeks. You can't get the full effect without touching them with your fingers. Sure, they look fluffy, but they're also soft and deep. Like bread dough. In other words, exceptionally kissable, and I do that A LOT.
• Her laugh. It is giggly and loud, and she tends to be super choosy about when she laughs, and who she laughs for. And when the "funny" is over, she lets you know by ceasing all giggles. She has a way of making me feel ridiculous when I continue my goofy sounds and tickly motions, and she's already moved on to trying to get away from me without an ounce of joy in her expression. Her laugh is such a gift, and I try to maximize each instance. If she even hints a laugh, the rest of the world stops so that I can try to hear more. I think she's on to me ;)
• Her sad face. It makes me laugh. Except when its caused by something traumatic, like falling off the couch or being trampled by the dog. Those things do not make either of us happy. (Well, maybe a tiny part of me enjoys comforting her. I love possessing that super power.)
• She is adorably shy. She demands attention, but when it is given, she hides her face. She likes to come in and out of hiding, which puts my face in great danger any time I am holding her close since she likes to rear her head back before plunging it into my collar bone--over and over again. My jaw has taken more than its fair share of her jolly method of hide and seek. When it starts I just throw my face up like the ceiling is really interesting until it's over haha
• She loves to practice new skills, but she knows when we are making a big deal about it, which makes her stop. We've been working with her on waving lately. Until a couple days ago, all she had given me was a couple of lackluster flicks of her wrist. She was sitting in her high chair the other day near the back door, watching the dog in the back yard. I turned around at one point and she was smiling and just waving and waving to him. I let out and involuntary squeal of excitement, and she squealed happily, and stuffed her hand into her lap, as though she hadn't been doing anything. She kept up a great big toothy smile while I moved in to smother her face with kisses. Her waving has improved since then. It takes a lot of coaxing, but she'll do it. She waved "bye" to Darren the other day as he drove off for work. She never waves without smiling.
• She has a determination in her that is more than admirable. It will probably drive me crazy for a good while as she grows up, but my word, that is not a bad attribute to have. I hope I can help guide her into channeling it in proper directions :) ...redirection is not the most effective parenting tool on her. She KNOWS when she's being shafted. I have to be sneaky with her, but she is no fool. For instance, there is a corner of the room from which she is prohibited (and she knows this...), and any time I take her from it, I try to distract her with other activities, but even if I plant her clear on the other side of the room, where the appealing aspects of that corner aren't even visible, she will immediately turn around and make a beeline back to it. Sigh. If I take the discipline approach and try to tell her "no", or gently slap her hand, or put her in her time out chair (lots of laughs watching her in that little chair!--p.s. it doesn't work), she gets ANGRY. Sometimes she'll stop in her tracks and look at me out of the corner of her eyes and slowly start to crawl again. I'll say "no", and put my hands in her way. She'll stop, slap my hands away, do this funny growl and squawk sound, and then glare at me out of the corner of her eyes as she slowly starts to crawl again. And repeat. 
• She is either very expressive or completely expressionless (which is often a clear expression of what she's feeling haha)
• She's becoming more social around other babies, and interacts with them beyond just stabbing their eyes. She and a little friend at church were crawling around at a baby shower yesterday, and it looked like they were really communicating as they destroyed gift bags together.  Adorbs. 
• Music has a calming effect on her. Reverence during the hymns can usually be achieved by holding her hand and conducting along with the music. That is something she and her Daddy do very well together. 
• She is so forgiving. She had RSV recently, and for all the times she fought me on the breathing treatment or on cleaning out her nose, screaming and crying the whole time, she would always cuddle in to me afterwards like I was saving the day and not the one who was inflicting torture. 
• Her little naked hiney when she rolls over and away before I can even blink during her diaper changes. It makes for a difficult diaper change, and sometimes a little swat on her cute behind, but gosh, it is SO cute! Especially when accompanied by the excited squeals of an escaped nudist. 
• Her singing voice. I often hear her in the car just singing and cooing. Occasionally she even grunts passionately (music really moves her ;) ). I really like when I am jamming along to the radio and happen to hear her. It's like she's singing with me :)

I think I say this every time I do a monthly update, but I say it again: I COULD GO ON FOREVER. There are countless things about that beautiful baby that make me weak with happiness and pride. Being a mother is AWESOME. I am so grateful that we were blessed with such a funny little personality, and I am so excited to be HER mom. 

New house!

Oh my goodness! I haven't blogged in forever!

I am so very happy to say that this is being typed from my overcrowded-with-junk dining room table in my very own dining room in my very own house! Ahem, I mean, our house.

Yep, that's right! Darren and I bought a house! It is a quaint little fixer-upper with tons of potential (and a few problems...sigh...). But whatever, it's ours!

Catch-up:

• My birthday was last week. Can I really be 25? That's so crazy! It also makes me feel a little weird to be a Mormon 25-year old with only one child...who is under a year old. It doesn't actually make me feel weird so much as it looks weird on paper. It's like I got married in my 20's or something.
• I set up out Christmas tree Sunday night. Gasp! I know, I know. Sorry, Turkey. Ordinarily I'd be on your side, but I think I've switched sides this year. Christmas decorations make me happy, and since setting up my home makes me very unhappy (packing and unpacking is stupid! Gah!), I needed the Christmas cheer. I also hate decorating for Christmas, so it's something to check off the to-do list.
• Emma came down with RSV last week, and it has been SOOOO fun, let me tell you. Tonight is the first night in almost a week that I put her down in her crib. She's been sleeping with us since she got sick. To her credit, sick Emma sleeps pretty hard at night, and any stirring can usually be quelled with closer snuggling or a quick ninny in the mouth. However, she's starting to feel somewhat better, and her *cry has returned, so I let her put herself to sleep tonight. Even if she wakes me up in a couple of hours, I am at least getting this Me Time to shower and blog. It's the little things. 
• In the throws of RSV, little ones have a pretty hard time breathing. This was mostly manifest in my little tantrum-thrower's attempts to cry. She would get a good croaky cry for about 5 seconds, but then she'd give up and howl a small but passionate and high pitched howl (almost like she was singing) for the duration of her tantrums. These were often short-lived as well (girl knows the breathing is more important--kudos). I tried to put her to sleep in her crib once or twice, but I couldn't listen to her howl herself to sleep. Plus, I wanted to keep her close so that I could monitor her all night and nurse her as much as possible.
• I've learned a lot about the momma-doctor relationship. I do believe I can advance a point or two towards my Assertive Emily award. 
• The people who lived here before us left several cast iron cooking items. I asked her about them, and SHE TOLD ME TO KEEP THEM. It's like she knew my birthday was coming!
• I'm really tired of being surrounded by the moving mess. Can someone just please organize it all for me? 
• My kitchen is put together--most of that credit goes to my mom for deep-cleaning it for us before I unpacked everything.
• A great many generous people did so much and served us in so many ways during the moving process, from helping us move furniture, letting us borrow a trailer, helping me pack, and babysitting Emma so that I could get things accomplished. The only person in the list of services rendered who reads this blog (besides my mom) is sweet Sarah F (whose blog I haven't seen in forever, so I can't link it... what the heck?!)--anyway, shout out to her for being awesome! 
• Shout out to my mom as well for providing us with meals for our bellies while our kitchens were out of commission!
• Emma will be 10 months old next week. WHAT. 

This was taken last week in our new back yard :)

Sweet dreams

I don't actually have anything to say.

Which is a little bit of a lie... I have a million things to say.

Thoughts are propelling themselves across my mind in a multitude of random directions and patterns. Organizing them could take days, and the end result would likely make excessively tedious reading material.

I think I'm having one of those Moments of Clarity, wherein I realize that I finally understand something that I've always heard of or been exposed to. It isn't that I can't sleep (because I assure you that if I were to put this laptop away and actually lay my head on my pillow, I would sleep juuuuuuuuuust fine). There a few identified reasons I stay up late, and likely several more that are not identified. One is that I am pretty sure it's genetic. My mom  always stayed up very late. Two, this is MY time... a reason that also reflects my mom's reasoning. Three, I am thinking so many thoughts so rapidly, I feel like my  mind is filing through them, trying to decide which one it wants to land on for sleepy pondering. Fun Fact #546 about me: I am very serious about what I think about before going to sleep. I have a long history of daydreaming favorable scenarios about my future and replaying happy memories from my past. I hate to fall asleep thinking of important things (like, how we are going to pay certain bills, for instance. Problems like that won't go away by me fretting over it during my last precious moments of consciousness each day, so I dismiss them in favor of better thoughts). I hate falling asleep thinking of sad things, or scary things, or embarrassing things.

Anyway, I digress.

I can't let myself settle down until my brain selects whatever it is that it is trying to find.

Sweet dreams, friends.

She just keeps on growing!

1. Bedtime has become an ordeal around here, and that does not make me happy. I've resorted to what Darren has been saying all along, and we are letting Emma cry herself to sleep :( ...I don't let her cry forever, but it's still very hard. Not my favorite. I find myself compensating during the day by being extra affectionate and loving. She still loves me in the morning either way, so I've decided to ignore the stats that say cry-it-out babies grow up to kill people and all that.

2. We visited a pumpkin patch today! The weather was beautiful, and Emma was awesome, per the norm. There are a million things I love about all million pictures we took, so I don't know how I will possibly decide which ones to share with the internet. Darren snapped this one of my cute Wonder Baby and me, and gave Em a thought bubble. Her hand was not casually blocking my mouth, by the way. She swung it up and clutched my face. It was a laugh-worthy moment! You'd have to be there ;)

3. I've been hesitant to say anything on here about it, but I figure things are close enough to official that it wouldn't hurt to share the news (I hope I'm not jinxing us...):

We are buying a house! We will be moving in in about 3ish weeks, and we are super stoked! FINALLY Emma will have her own room, and we will have all the lovely perks of living in a house We will also get all the cruddy parts, but heck... I guess that's part of life. I am having so much fun daydreaming about the future now that I know where it will be located. This particular house is very cute, on a very cute street, and only one block away from one of my favorite places in all of the area: a small town downtown street full of antique shops and other such small businesses. I could spend hours. 

4. Tomorrow is the Primary program presentation in Sacrament Meeting. This makes me VERY happy...and a little nervous. It always makes me giggle like crazy, but with every passing year, it also makes me cry easier. I hate crying in public.

5. I am going to love myself tomorrow morning: I made a stack of pancakes tonight for breakfast tomorrow. Therefore, we will both be able to eat breakfast AND make it to church on time/within 5 minutes of it starting. What what!

6. The recent cold fronts have me happier than a hippo in mud. Since getting pregnant and subsequently delivering the child, my thermostat has undergone some major changes: I get so hot so easily. I also got to wear sexy boots today, which makes me feel like I'm a hot girl from a TV show. 

7. Sometimes I think that if I don't pop out as many kids as possible as quick as I can I will either 1) forget the awesome names I have picked out for them, or 2) have to endure the agony of someone I know snatching my names first (though I no longer tell people the names I have picked out...). 

8. I let Wonder Baby gnaw on a chew of beef jerky tonight, and she gave it her stamp of approval. When I was done letting her drool all over it and me, I rinsed it off under the faucet and ate it (yes, I know I'm disgusting, but I never throw beef jerky away...). Let's just say she has her momma in her, because as soon as I popped it in my mouth she burst into tears. I foresee jerky wars in our future.

9. She cut her first two teeth this week! They grow every day, and their sharpness increases as well. She has chomped down on a certain appendage by which she acquires sustenance a couple of times, but it hasn't become a punishable offence yet (as in, they were isolated incidents). It hurts like heck though! I love to see them when she is laughing a lot. 

10. She is growing too quickly, but I love to see it happen! I can't help but celebrate each difference, accomplishment, and milestone. I love to see comprehension in her eyes, and the wonder of each movement. We have a new game where I put her Legos on my head and launch them off by tilting my head. She loves this! Tonight I pulled my knees up and let her sit between my chest and knees, which put her very close to my face and head. I tilted my head so that the Legos would fall in her lap, and she tried to put them back on my head every time. Yesterday, I was amazed when she started handing them back to me so that I could launch them off again--her first time to "hand" anything to anyone. Her leap in understanding between yesterday and today blows my mind. I'm so proud of my little genius. Babies rock the learning curve. 

Baby pee, packing boxes, and other random things

It's been a while.

1. Missionaries are so young. I'm having to remind myself more and more that missionary work is in the hands of the Lord, and if He trusts these young.....imbeciles....then I do too. But MAN. When did they become 8th graders?

2. More importantly, when did I become so...old? They really aren't as bad as I perceive them to be.

3. Emma isn't peeing enough. We find out the results of a urine sample on Monday. In the meantime, I am to give her a little water each day in the hopes that it will help (so far it hasn't). On top of that, she seems to have developed a chest cold of some kind. If that doesn't clear up over the weekend, we'll also be going back to the doctor Monday. She sounds way too hoarse, and has a nasty cough.

4. Sick baby means MOODY baby. Lots of cuddles and sweetness, lots of angry and frustrated cuddles, lots of playing and coughing with her toys, and lots of angry tantrums. Sigh.

5. She's been after my phone all day. Every time I take it from her she cries and kicks and fusses about it. Tonight she got my phone, and I didn't notice.....until she turned to give me a gloating smile, that is. I tried to take it from her, but she held on tight. Obviously, I won, but she demonstrated a nice bout of wailing as a result. If only she'd kept the good news to herself....who knows what kind of damage she could have done.

6. Are other babies obsessed with behind the toilet? There are so many other things she could explore while I'm in the loo, but noooo. She has to make a beeline for the back of the toilet every. time. Suffice it to say that my bathroom experiences are rarely relaxing, as I spend the majority of the time kicking and blocking her from her desired destination.

7. We are moving next month (YAY!). We still don't know where we are going, but I have been on the hunt for boxes. And by "on the hunt" I mean that I've been hoping someone would just offer me a million boxes out of the blue and I wouldn't have to do any kind of hunting. A couple of weeks ago I put a personal ad (i.e. cardstock with sharpie penned on it) on the bulletin board by the mailboxes with my phone number indicating that we would be moving soon, and if any new move-ins would be so kind, we would love their boxes. I received THE call today! A family fresh from Australia (cool beans) moved in last week and finished unpacking today. I got a bajillion large, sturdy, the kind they charge big money for, boxes.

8. The only part I secretly like about moving is the beginning of the packing process. It is very exciting to me for some reason. Tomorrow is the day I begin...I confess I want to start tonight, but it is late, and everyone but me is sleeping. Technically, Emma should be the only one asleep since it is barely past 9:30 on a Friday, but my party animal husband passed out on the couch about a half hour ago.

9. I was supposed to go to the temple tomorrow for a big stake Relief Society temple trip, but with Emma under the weather I just can't make myself do it. She needs me. She was super clingy today, and I want her to nurse as much as possible, especially since she seems to be having a fluid intake/output issue. To be honest, I'm relieved as all get out. I was so nervous about leaving her home and being apart for so many hours.  HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT?

10. We purchased Emma's first Christmas present yesterday. It's one of those adorable tiny pianos for elegant children. We found it at an antique shop. We anticipate her walking by then, but even if she isn't, she pulls up on things quite nicely, and she'll walk eventually. She adores any opportunity to bang on piano keys, be it the real piano, her lovely little four-keyed rainbow piano, or the tiny piano that will be hers on Christmas Day (we let her have a go at it when we were at the shop). Girl loves to make noise.

11. For the record, the sticker on the piano marks it as 30 years old. Darren is 17 months away from being antique. Mwahahahaha.

12. I keep having dreams where my teeth are falling out. According to Google, it means that I am concerned about my appearance. Methinks it is correct. Aside from being appalled at my post-baby body and lack of self-control when it comes to food on a daily basis, I want new hair, and I need new mascara.  The hair needs to be trimmed SO badly, and my bangs need professional doctoring (I hacked them off a few weeks ago...I've lost the touch, apparently, and they turned out terrible). I also keep having harmful thoughts of cutting it into a bob and making it a little less "all over the place", but I know I would regret that intensely. I always do.

13. I'm almost finished with Call the Midwife on Netflix. I love that show too much.

14. I think I've solved the problem of my lack of motivation in regards to keeping house adequately. The solution is simple: I work 9-5, Monday through Friday. After 5 o'clock, anything that isn't baby, basic clutter, or dinner related ceases to matter and is not completed past that time. It will wait for the next day when I "go to work" again. This system serves one main purposes. First, it gives me a small amount of flexible structure to work within, and allows me a deadline that I can view as a symbol of freedom instead of just another deadline in a long line of endless tasks and deadlines. Every job I have ever held had a quitting time: the point at the end of every day when I got to leave "work things" at work and go home for "home things". Thus, I am motivated to be more productive while I am "at work", with the same understanding that, just as with my previous job, things won't always go according to plan, and my to-do list might not be finished. However, the to-do list is still essential, and must be picked up again tomorrow, and if I work like I'm getting paid for it, then things will get done.  When I relax in the evenings, I don't want to feel guilty because there is still so much to be done--THERE IS ALWAYS STUFF TO BE DONE! IT NEVER STOPS! Therefore, I want to be able to enjoy guilt-free relaxation in the evenings. It allows me to feel like I do not have a 'round the clock job, which is splendid for my sanity. So far it seems to be working (3 days now). I expect things to improve.

15. Love y'all. Have a great weekend. Peace out.