I have never adored so much

Last week was a very miserable week in regards to Emma's sleeping habits. Very miserable.

This week has been a great improvement, but OH MY GOODNESS. I am a wreck!

No, not really. I'm just back to missing my baby too much whenever she is sleeping well at night. I stare at her a lot (and duck like a ninja every time she flinches, because there's no way I am getting caught and being stuck on baby duty for the rest of the night).

Anyway. I miss her. 

A little while ago, I was out in the living room working on the computer on some things when she began crying (about 2 hours after she'd gone to sleep). It was a super sad, super sleepy cry that I knew, given a few minutes, would disappear into a silence. I even investigated, and her sweet little eyes weren't even open, so I knew she was still asleep. 

I couldn't help myself. I reached in and scooped her up so that I could have some sweet rocking chair cuddles while she nursed her nightmare sorrows away. 

My love for that baby makes it hard to breathe sometimes. What did I do with my life before she blessed our little family?

And why why why why WHY do I have to feel so helplessly in love with her, yet so smothered all at the same time? Some days I really mourn the passing of the me who didn't know what it is like to be a mom.  I don't wish I were still that girl, but every once in a while I miss the light weight of not having to devote so much of my very being to a life for which my husband and I are solely responsible. It is stressful to love so much. It is a sacrifice in some ways. A beautiful sacrifice with such a sacred purpose. I don't know how to process it in my heart, so I guess that makes me sad. 

I have never adored so much.

The peace of a late night, combined with missing her demanding and adorable antics as she sleeps, has left me with way too much time to think. I'm going to bed.