Merry Christmas

'Tis the season for so very much!

In light of the fact that my blog shows me to be QUITE the whiner, I want to share a more uplifting post. I'm not always complaining... or maybe I am. I'm always wanting to, but do try to hold my tongue, so does that count? ;)

Being so heavily pregnant this Christmas is bringing my thoughts toward Mary like never before. I was heavily pregnant during Christmas two years ago, but I really don't remember feeling so emotionally bonded with her role in Christ's life. Maybe it's because I've since felt the pain of childbirth and the exhaustion of long months during which the needs of an infant ruled supreme. Maybe it's because I've had time to hold my child and cry over even the possibility of her future suffering.

Imagining even the most average life possible for my little Emma, I am terrified of the pains and trials she will face. I'm terrified at the possibility that her beautiful life could be cut short at any time. I feel that agony that comes with loving someone so much more than I love myself; someone so dependent on me and her dad for everything.

How on earth did Mary cope, knowing all that she knew? Knowing that she was raising, teaching, and preparing the Son of God to accomplish the single greatest act in all of our history? Knowing what she was going to have to see him endure?

How did she ever lay him down to sleep at night, knowing her time was limited and that she couldn't protect him from his future?

These thoughts, on a smaller scale, run through my mind on a regular basis during the quiet moments with my little girl. I don't know what kind of challenges my children will face, and I don't know for sure how I will prepare or protect them beyond teaching them to have faith in their Savior.

I'm grateful to Mary for the role she played in the Savior's life, because I know that the Atonement was completed for everyone, but most especially for my children. And I couldn't be more grateful.

If you haven't watched the  new video from the church, you really ought to. The greatest gift of all was that sweet little baby  in Bethlehem.

Wherein I whine more than usual

Cruddy news:

• I have reached the second to last chapter of this pregnancy. I'm in that hazy part where I'm so close that I literally want to do nothing more than sleep, eat, and complain about contractions. However, I'm weeks away. So I can't. I seize every opportunity I get, but real life seems to want me to keep up with a billion other obligations. I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS CAUGHT UP ALREADY!
• My house is a cluttery mess of disorganization. I'm trying to find places for everything/throw things away, but it requires so much attention, energy, and physical ability. Unfortunately it has all of my attention, but none of the other two requirements. So I'm driving myself crazy, yet accomplishing virtually nothing. Splendid.
• I would seriously love for someone to just come and do all that work for me. I'm so tired alllll day long.
• So many contractions. Braxton-Hicks for me can be described by naming one animal: a boa constrictor. Just imagine one inside your body. Almost every single contraction makes me feel like I'm being strangled. It's normal, just super frustrating and exhausting.
• WHY AM I NOT SLEEPING?
• I can't sleep well these days. It's a ridiculous struggle. Add to that the fact that when the temperature outside dips below 60, Mr. Hottie thinks we need the space heater turned on. Can't. breathe. Too. stuffy. Need. air. 
• Restless legs. Enough said.
• Heartburn. It feels like icy fire.
• Every day feels like another round with some weird sickness where I can't seem to feel normal. My brain is broken and the rest of me wonders when it will stop feeling so hurt and exhausted. 

Happier news:

• When I do sleep, it is wonderful.
• I am beginning to dilate, so at least these contractions are accomplishing something. 
• I am feeling more and more pressure bearing down. Okay, so that's not exactly happy news beyond the fact that it means baby is starting to move into position. Other than that it just means WAY more discomfort for me and a constant about-to-pee-my-pants sensation.

Thoughts:

• I spend more time than necessary comparing myself to other mothers, and though I recognize the folly in that, I keep hoping there is good in that as well. I'm not talking about the mothers who seem to always have it together. Rather, the ones who seem to always be able to power through the various miseries of pregnancy and motherhood with their proverbial plates of busyness full to overflowing. How do they do it so gracefully? As in, without complaining ALL the time. Every time someone asks me to fulfill any kind of church anything these days I just want to punch them in the face and say, "Don't you see I have my hands full?! I have a toddler running one direction while my energy flees in a different direction. Ask someone else!" ....except who ISN'T busy at church? Everyone has a daunting to-do list and a whole host of justifications as to why they can't, except they don't use them. I do. Regardless, at this point I don't feel guilty. I've struggled through long enough to say that this is where I draw the line for this particular pregnancy. I just can't keep trying like I have been, and I reserve the right to be a tired old grump...mostly because I can't even pretend that I'm not a tired old grump. Check back in a few months after I've sufficiently recovered from giving birth. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm really still very excited about this pregnancy and am sooooooo very excited to meet this new little spirit! I'm just so worn out physically and emotionally right now. If I could fall asleep soon, that would be great. Sleep is the best medicine for both ailments!