Midnight musings

I can't sleep.

History has proven that blogging under these circumstances will prove any one or combination of boring, long-winded, short, exciting, hilarious, or lame. Proceed at your own discretion.

1. I've become super passionate about breastfeeding Emma. In the beginning it was the obvious choice, then it became a chore, then it became an accomplishment, then it became a need, and now.....I don't even know what to call it. I don't want to breastfeed her forever, because in a lot of ways it is more inconvenient than any emotional benefit I can claim for myself, but I don't want to stop. I don't want to be responsible for stopping. I don't want to arbitrarily choose a day and say, "This shall be the last." I love our relationship. I love when she stares at me while nursing. I love when she smiles. I love when I tickle her feet and she tries so hard to not laugh because she doesn't want to lose her grip. I love when she stops suddenly to make faces at me because she knows they'll make me laugh. I love how much she loves nursing. I love the times when I'm so caught up in playing on my phone or the computer, or staring at the TV, and I think to take a moment and glance at her face, and she is just seriously staring at me. It's as though she's saying, "Hey Mom, this really isn't going to last forever. Pay attention and enjoy me." It's those times when I discard my distractions and interact with her. The payoff is immediate, because her reaction is immediate. She knows when I'm paying attention--REALLY paying attention.

Incidentally, I did attempt to wean her cold turkey a few weeks ago. We lasted 48 hours. For the most part it was a seamless transition. I wasn't ready though. I felt like something was missing, and I was becoming increasingly unhappy about choosing to stop, but felt burdened by my decision, scared to be responsible for botching our progress. Even so, I did just that. When I let her nurse again, the way she reacted made me cry. I don't even really know how to describe it. You know when people post YouTube videos on Facebook of baby animals reuniting with their parents, or children with their military parents, etc? You know those tears you cry because the happiness of the people/animals in the videos is so tangible? That's what it was like. She was so CONTENT. So pleased. So comfortable. So happy. Everything was just right in her world. I cried a lot.

2. We have all the paint we need to paint the interior of our house. Problem is, I hate painting walls. Any takers? We even have a ceiling that needs some attention.

3. I am constantly amazed at how things seem to never go according to plan, but Heavenly Father keeps us afloat. Even with all the stupid decisions we've made/continue to make. He forgives our folly, and provides the necessary means. I hope I choose to be that kind of parent in the critical moments.

4. We got air conditioning in one of our vehicles today. I cannot even begin to describe how luxurious that feels when driving down the road. It seemed like such an inaccessible dream (and it is still not a done deal...you know how credit cards are...), but it's happened. Do not take your air conditioning for granted, folks! Retrieving Emma from her car seat and not having to wipe her face and pat the back of her clothes dry is almost reward enough. In any case, that vehicle is going to scout camp next week, so I certainly won't be reaping the benefits. Darren will be, however, when he returns from a week in the forest with a group of young boys whose hygiene is already questionable. I can only imagine the stench.

5. I have this terrible condition where I am terrible at being a friend, and often decline invitations to social events when they don't suit my mood. The terrible consequence of that is that when I most want to go out, I don't have anyone to call on. I don't let myself become particularly close to anyone, so the notion of spontaneous girls' nights is unreachable. I blame the fact that I never learned how to be friends with girls, and now that I'm married, I can't just go hang out with the guys. Not that I have any guys left, but seriously. That is probably the only thing I really miss about being single. Hanging out with the guys. Couple hang outs are cool and all, but that's a whole 'nother level of complexity, because it essentially requires a million entities to accept and love all the others under those circumstances, and I'm just not that great at navigating those treacherous waters. I will say we hung out with a couple from our ward last week, and we had a blast. I was 100% at ease. I left at "intermission" (between swimming/food and movie) to go home and change from my swimsuit into real clothes before we started the movie (didn't even think to pack them), and returned to their home in sweat pants, an old t-shirt, and my house slippers. I was kind of anxious about how she might feel about my complete grunginess, but when I walked in I saw that she'd changed into basically the same thing, except she was wearing shorts. I'm so grateful for sloppy clothes.

6. I am so over the "I wish I knew who my true friends were" posts on Facebook. Isn't there some way I can set them all up together so that all those lonely people can become each other's true friends? As stated above, my true friendship really seems to only extend as far as my own personal convenience will let it. We'll cover my selfishness issues another times.

7. I am also over the assumptions people make. This is totally blown out of proportion, I know. I really shouldn't be so irritated, but the truth is that I am. When people assume things about me to my face, I want nothing more than to spite them completely by doing the opposite. I was speaking to another mom recently, and I was telling a food story about Emma. I don't even remember what the story was. I just know I was interrupted partway through a sentence with, "YOU'RE STILL BREASTFEEDING HER THOUGH, RIGHT?!". Um...yes? "Oh good, just checking...". Just checking? JUST CHECKING? I'm sorry I forgot to submit our monthly "still at it!" report to your office, lady. But, oh yeah, it's none of your business! If she had asked in any other manner I wouldn't be irritated about it, but my goodness. As though Emma's life were at stake. What would she have said if I had told her no? I really wonder. It was also nice to know that she was truly listening. It means a lot to know that I was just spewing words until her brain filter picked up the buzzwords she felt like reacting to.

8. I finally got my wedding ring re-sized and am able to wear it again this week for the first time in months. As much as I hated to concede to the reality of my now super chubby fingers, I feel like a new wife again. I can't stop staring at it. I had forgotten how staring at it makes me think about Darren more throughout the day. I love having that reminder.

9. Spock has fleas. Ugh. His meds came in today, so hopefully by the time I check on him tomorrow he'll be in the clear. I'm new to all this, and it's not my favorite thing. He's been so neglected during this time, and it makes me sad.

10. When Emma and I went to retrieve the now air conditioned car today, we made a memory. I did anyway. It was so inconvenient, but such a randomly sweet experience. I was carrying her absurdly heavy carseat a bit awkwardly over my should, kind of like a plate in a restaurant, and with my other hand, was holding Emma's hand. Since the mechanic is within walking distance (2 minutes without a child or carseat....about 10 with), I knew that was the only way we could make it with the carseat. She was a champ. There were a few times she wanted to explore away from me, but for the most part she stayed the course. She was so curious about everything she saw. We walked along the gravel alleyway behind our home for a short spell, and as soon as she realized she was on rocks she threw my hand and stopped to bend over and get some. I bent to grab her hand, and she went limp on me. She's so determined to get what she wants, and it is really pretty cute (albeit life-threatening when I'm lunging for her with a bajillion pound carseat over my head). When we got to the shop I set the carseat down in front of the counter and placed her in the seat. For the duration of our visit she watched workers go by, smiling and waving at each one. I so love that little girl.

Speaking of her, I've heard her stirring and whining. She wants me. Peace out.