Hello Goodbye: The Baby We Lost Part 2

I’ve thought a lot since things happened. I’ve questioned the validity and significance of my loss. I’ve tried to downplay it to myself. I have wondered if I’ve gotten over it already since I don’t cry every day. The answer to that last question in a hard no. I don’t cry every day, but some days the sadness hits, and it’s hard to think of anything other than the life I had already planned out for my little one. It’s hard to see the weeks tick by and know the baby is no longer growing. Its physical growth has been halted. It’s hard to be sad and know that I’m the only one who got to “know” this baby, even though I didn’t really get to know it. I feel like I know this baby in an extremely intimate way that is dictated only by the feelings of love and familiarity I feel when I think about his life. But I don’t know what kind of sleeper he was going to be or if he was going to be hyper like Milton. I don’t know how he feels about breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, or if he would have transitioned back and forth easily. I don’t know if he would have been obsessed with his daddy or his mommy. I suppose we won’t know for now.

I can see how miscarriage would be a hopelessly discouraging experience without already having living children. I’m afraid to try for more kids because I don’t want to go through it again, but I’m also pretty confident that my chances are low. Maybe I’m overly confident, but three healthy pregnancies and three healthy children feels like a decent track record that I don’t deserve, but for which I am so grateful. My heart goes out to the parents who have to experience loss before they get to bring home a child, if they ever do get to bring home a child. That’s a level of devastation I am certain would break me. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair at all.

I am happy to know that because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, all that is unfair during this earth life will be corrected. Sorrow will become joy. Families will be restored to each other. Children will be returned to parents, and parents will hold their children again. Siblings will embrace, sometimes for the first time. Happy crying will reign supreme.

When it comes down to it, this has been a sweeter experience than I would have expected going into it. I know I am loved beyond measure. My family and friends dropped everything to aid me in my hour of need. I’m not sure to what degree Darren hurt, but he held me while I cried more than once. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father surround me and hold me.

The children talk about the baby. We have visited his grave since the burial. Emma has cried a couple of times. We include this loved baby in our family membership now. It’s child number 4, and the kids seem to really love that. I know I do.

We will always hold a place for this family member. Always to remember.