The Barbies of my youth. Or not.

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to own any Barbies.

Little Girl Emily thought that such a policy was absolute torture, especially when so many of my friends had so many amazing specimens. Like...

Her,

and them,

and her.

I missed out, right?!

But seriously. In hindsight, there was a definite wisdom in not allowing them into the home. The reasons my mother gave me seemed to always have something to do with how it would just mean a bunch of naked barbies all over the house. Preposterous... (or so I thought...).

...which brings us to today. 

I was at Walmart earlier, and, on a whim, decided to take a quick stroll down the girlie toy aisle in the hopes that I could find a cheap "Frozen" toy. Emma has been pretty obsessed with "Let it Go" lately. If she sees an image of any kind from the movie, she immediately begins to enthusiastically yell, "Wed't Doh!". Or she sings it. In any case, she's super into it.

I found this:

Jackpot.

I brought her (the doll) home and sneakily handed her (the doll) off to Darren so that he could present it to her (Emma) while I recorded her (Emma's) adorable reaction.

As expected, Emma was thoroughly delighted with her new "Wed't Doh!" and so happy to hold onto her for a good, long time. She waved little Elsa in our faces over and over again. She scolded me fiercely when she thought I had adjusted Elsa's arms to reach for the sky (Darren was actually the guilty party there, but did she see the truth? Noooo.)

Less than two hours after arriving home from the store I was in the kitchen while Emma played joyfully in the living room with her new treasure. Suddenly. Alarm.

"She's undressing her! She's wearing nothing but her cape!"

Come again?

I poke my head around the fridge and see Darren towering over an oblivious Emma, looking incredulous. She was busy walking a newly undressed Elsa along the floor as though it was a Victoria's Secret fashion show. I could swear I saw fan wind billowing through her cape. Thankfully, Barbie makers have improved the appearance of their nudy dolls. She wasn't actually nude, but appeared to be wearing a leotard under her skirt.

The point is, my two year old figured it out within two hours of receiving the doll. How did she even KNOW that undressing it was an option?

Mama may have been on to something with that Barbie rule.

I feel like I can be honest here...

...unlike on Facebook. News travels much slower via my blog than the more instant versions of social networking. ;)

I feel like there's a decent chance that labor could really get going tonight. Obviously there is no guarantee, but unless I'm experiencing that awful sounding scenario where labor starts and stops and starts and stops... there's no reason for this to not progress. That being said, the next step on my to-do is to go to bed and get some rest. The Google says that is what I need to do to help encourage it.

I had some pretty gnarly contractions for a few hours tonight, but they never really got closer than 10-20 minutes apart. They certainly hurt though. Since then they've kind of petered out and left me with mild cramps and achy hips and what feels like the beginning of a million contractions. The pain keeps coming on suddenly and then dying before it's had a chance to do much. I've spent some quality time with the yoga ball today, and I do believe there is something to that method. Not that I expect it to throw me into labor, but it really helps me feel like my pelvis is opening up and the baby is descending lower. Plus, it's a really good excuse to watch Netflix for absurdly long stretches at a time, guilt-free. Win-win.

I'm so scared of Emma losing her "only child" status. She's my baby and the center of my little world. We have such a special relationship. She is the center of her own little universe. I've never worried that I wouldn't have enough love to share between my children, but the closer we get to having two of them, the more worried I become that the first one won't understand that I still love her more than anything. I worry more that I won't be able to effectively demonstrate the love I feel. I worry that she'll negatively react to the shift in my attention. I know in my heart that none of that is as true as I let myself think it is, but still. I've been trying to soak up every "last time" activity so that I can have that memory. Every night for the last couple of weeks when I put her to bed I tell myself it's the last time I'll be doing that for her as an only child. The last night we'll get to go through our special bedtime rituals. So far it's been a lie, but intentionally treating each night like "the last" has been great for me. It helps me cherish her snuggles more, even if she is crushing my belly. My baby.

Anyway, wish me luck. Here's to hoping that things will really start hurting within the next few hours. Cheers.

My sweet girl giving me smoochies

Merry Christmas

'Tis the season for so very much!

In light of the fact that my blog shows me to be QUITE the whiner, I want to share a more uplifting post. I'm not always complaining... or maybe I am. I'm always wanting to, but do try to hold my tongue, so does that count? ;)

Being so heavily pregnant this Christmas is bringing my thoughts toward Mary like never before. I was heavily pregnant during Christmas two years ago, but I really don't remember feeling so emotionally bonded with her role in Christ's life. Maybe it's because I've since felt the pain of childbirth and the exhaustion of long months during which the needs of an infant ruled supreme. Maybe it's because I've had time to hold my child and cry over even the possibility of her future suffering.

Imagining even the most average life possible for my little Emma, I am terrified of the pains and trials she will face. I'm terrified at the possibility that her beautiful life could be cut short at any time. I feel that agony that comes with loving someone so much more than I love myself; someone so dependent on me and her dad for everything.

How on earth did Mary cope, knowing all that she knew? Knowing that she was raising, teaching, and preparing the Son of God to accomplish the single greatest act in all of our history? Knowing what she was going to have to see him endure?

How did she ever lay him down to sleep at night, knowing her time was limited and that she couldn't protect him from his future?

These thoughts, on a smaller scale, run through my mind on a regular basis during the quiet moments with my little girl. I don't know what kind of challenges my children will face, and I don't know for sure how I will prepare or protect them beyond teaching them to have faith in their Savior.

I'm grateful to Mary for the role she played in the Savior's life, because I know that the Atonement was completed for everyone, but most especially for my children. And I couldn't be more grateful.

If you haven't watched the  new video from the church, you really ought to. The greatest gift of all was that sweet little baby  in Bethlehem.

Wherein I whine more than usual

Cruddy news:

• I have reached the second to last chapter of this pregnancy. I'm in that hazy part where I'm so close that I literally want to do nothing more than sleep, eat, and complain about contractions. However, I'm weeks away. So I can't. I seize every opportunity I get, but real life seems to want me to keep up with a billion other obligations. I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS CAUGHT UP ALREADY!
• My house is a cluttery mess of disorganization. I'm trying to find places for everything/throw things away, but it requires so much attention, energy, and physical ability. Unfortunately it has all of my attention, but none of the other two requirements. So I'm driving myself crazy, yet accomplishing virtually nothing. Splendid.
• I would seriously love for someone to just come and do all that work for me. I'm so tired alllll day long.
• So many contractions. Braxton-Hicks for me can be described by naming one animal: a boa constrictor. Just imagine one inside your body. Almost every single contraction makes me feel like I'm being strangled. It's normal, just super frustrating and exhausting.
• WHY AM I NOT SLEEPING?
• I can't sleep well these days. It's a ridiculous struggle. Add to that the fact that when the temperature outside dips below 60, Mr. Hottie thinks we need the space heater turned on. Can't. breathe. Too. stuffy. Need. air. 
• Restless legs. Enough said.
• Heartburn. It feels like icy fire.
• Every day feels like another round with some weird sickness where I can't seem to feel normal. My brain is broken and the rest of me wonders when it will stop feeling so hurt and exhausted. 

Happier news:

• When I do sleep, it is wonderful.
• I am beginning to dilate, so at least these contractions are accomplishing something. 
• I am feeling more and more pressure bearing down. Okay, so that's not exactly happy news beyond the fact that it means baby is starting to move into position. Other than that it just means WAY more discomfort for me and a constant about-to-pee-my-pants sensation.

Thoughts:

• I spend more time than necessary comparing myself to other mothers, and though I recognize the folly in that, I keep hoping there is good in that as well. I'm not talking about the mothers who seem to always have it together. Rather, the ones who seem to always be able to power through the various miseries of pregnancy and motherhood with their proverbial plates of busyness full to overflowing. How do they do it so gracefully? As in, without complaining ALL the time. Every time someone asks me to fulfill any kind of church anything these days I just want to punch them in the face and say, "Don't you see I have my hands full?! I have a toddler running one direction while my energy flees in a different direction. Ask someone else!" ....except who ISN'T busy at church? Everyone has a daunting to-do list and a whole host of justifications as to why they can't, except they don't use them. I do. Regardless, at this point I don't feel guilty. I've struggled through long enough to say that this is where I draw the line for this particular pregnancy. I just can't keep trying like I have been, and I reserve the right to be a tired old grump...mostly because I can't even pretend that I'm not a tired old grump. Check back in a few months after I've sufficiently recovered from giving birth. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm really still very excited about this pregnancy and am sooooooo very excited to meet this new little spirit! I'm just so worn out physically and emotionally right now. If I could fall asleep soon, that would be great. Sleep is the best medicine for both ailments!

3rd trimester. And stuff.

• I've finally reached the beginning of the final stretch of this pregnancy! I swear it's flown by, but the next 12 weeks sure do look intimidating. I feel like that time is going to just crawl on by, with me beside it. You know, since it's only a matter of time before my hips and legs give up on walking altogether.  I seriously seem to end, and occasionally, begin, each day with a shuffle and a limp because things aren't working together quite properly. It hurts. 

• Emma and I are working on getting her toilet trained. It's so exhausting. So far the plan (which is not the same plan I began with) is to spend a few hours every evening in her training undies and keep a timer set. We go until the few hours are up or she pees in all three undies pairs we have. We've done one day so far. I know the experts say that being "off and on" or "inconsistent" serves to only confuse children and prevent adequate training. They don't know my life.

• Sleep is so precious these days. Why am I staying up to write a blog post? 

• I've been struggling a lot with a lack of self-worth lately. The rational side of my brain keeps trying to lecture the struggling side, but the struggling side just keeps giving my rational side the bird. Together, we are making approximately zero progress, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. 

• I'm so excited with the slowly cooling weather. Give me some cuddle clothes and cuddle temps, stat!

• I'm also excitedly anticipating a phone call from the library. The 3rd Percy Jackson book is currently checked out, but I have it reserved like an eleven-year old nerd. I just need to finish the series, dang it! 

• On that subject, I wish they didn't shelve it in the kids side of the library. It makes me feel way less than cool checking out my books just a few shelves away from where Emma's books are located. 

By way of update

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've become THAT blogger. Ouch!

1. As of today, I am 25 weeks pregnant. I could muse forever about how excited I am, but I could also complain forever about how miiiiiserable I feel. Because seriously. I think I'm growing a litter.

2. Wonder Baby is now Wonder Toddler. She is 20 months old I guess (give me a minute to count... yes, 20 months is right). I lost count after 18, so I just stick with describing her age as "just past 18 months" or "she'll be 2 in February". Close enough, right? She is the most delightful little spitfire in the world. So much drive, curiosity, passion, and desire in that one. She wants to have her way every. single. second. I didn't even know there were so many opportunities in a day to demand one's own way, but boyyyy does she find them. On the other hand, she is equally passionate with her affection. For instance, this morning after we slept in together (HEAVEN), I was laying there at 8:55 AM (rubbing it in, am I?), deciding whether or not I was going to try to fall back asleep or just play on my phone when suddenly her head popped up in my periphery. Within one second the sloppiest good morning kiss was being administered to my mouth. It was disgusting, but she popped back up with a smile, and cuddled into me for a hug. So much love for that girl.

3. Darren is still in school. He has a little less than a year left, and it can't come soon enough! School is difficult any time, but it sure is getting old! He's still super handsome though, and it's very fun to watch him be Emma's daddy. We talk as though the baby is going to be a boy, and it's especially endearing to hear him talk about "him". He will obviously love another daughter, but the possibility of a son is so thrilling. We love our babies.

4. Did I mention that we've decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until the big day? We're super excited about that big reveal.

5. I'm currently watching middle of the night episodes of "Frasier" because I can't sleep for anything, and Emma just happened to wake up a few minutes ago. So now she's sitting next to me on the couch intently watching the show, not even caring that we aren't snuggling or going back to sleep yet. That's either a good thing or a bad thing. I don't really care which, because it's not changing anything.

6. Pregnancy complaining: I am so uncomfortable. Was I this uncomfortable with Emma? I guess I could dig back through and see if I blogged that. I feel like I'm 8 months pregnant. The only thing that's missing are the millions of Braxton Hicks contractions. Don't worry, I'm still getting them, just not with the same frequency or intensity of actually being 8 months pregnant. ;)

7. The baby is incredibly wiggly and loves to stretch out. It's new favorite position is from front to back, in such a manner that my belly button threatens to burst. It makes it difficult to stand, walk, sit, turn, lay down, pee, eat, or play with the toddler. Thankfully the most uncomfortable moments tend to wait until closer to the end of the day, when I can realistically dream about getting to lay down in my bed.

Things I knew would be a part of motherhood, but now that I'm here...I can't even.

1. Diapers. So much time spent groping, sniffing, and inspecting the darn things. Every box is the last box I'm ever going to buy, dang it!

2. Poop. Color, texture, berth, ease of passage. In the diaper or on the toilet. Knew it was coming or found it by happenstance while inspecting a diaper. 

3. Arguing about clothes/possession of MY things/OCD tendencies of the toddler/who gets to sit where. We butt heads on so many things, it's scary. Sometimes I am the communication master and am able to dialogue our way through, but other times I'm just as articulate as the toddler. 

4. Saying things like, "Stop playing behind the toilet!", "Get my phone OUT of the potty!" (the training one...), "Don't throw the cat off the porch!". Etc. So many weird commands proceed from my mouth on a daily basis.