What kind of Legacy Do I Want to Leave?

I've been thinking a lot about this over the last week since Kim passed away, and for all the times I've attempted to express it with the spoken word, I need to write it down. I can express myself so much better with writing.

First of all, when I got the news of her death I was absolutely shocked, just like everyone else. She was the best kind of person this world could know, and I saw her seriously, like, two weeks before. On a more selfish note, this is the first time in my life I have ever lost anyone I actually knew and cared about. I've never truly grieved a person till now, and I have to say that it isn't my favorite thing to do. I've been praying a lot.

Last Thursday I was asked to help clean up their home in preparation for Will's family to arrive. I'd never been further than the main living areas and hallway before this day, so I wasn't prepared to witness the scope of her homemaking. In my house, even if the front rooms are clean, the more private areas are more than certain to be trashed (most likely full of the stuff I crammed in there from the living room...). But Kim's home? Nope. Everything has a place. Every place has a purpose. Every room is made to be something and houses a spirit of homeyness. So much of her has been poured into those things which actually make her house a home. I'm sure her family felt the joy and delight, sweetness and safety of the space she created for them. Every room held evidence that her hands had been at work there, from the crafts and projects she'd made to the simple arrangements of decorations. I can't claim that she did this all by herself, but I think I can confidently say that she was the mastermind behind it all.

This quote sums up the effect her home had on me and the kind of woman she is:

There is no career more meaningful, no calling more divine, than being a person who truly makes a home in the sense of creating and maintaining an environment of human warmth, intellectual stimulation, and spiritual strength—someone who sees the wellsprings of personal meaning that lie beyond a first glance at a diaper, a frying pan, and a worn tennis shoe. Motherhood is above all a teaching task.--Sister Marie Hafen

The whole time I was there I couldn't stop admiring the home she'd made, and I also couldn't stop thinking of what people would think if they were to need to clean my house in my absence... they may as well just put a dumpster in the backyard and start loading 'er up. It all made me realize how incredibly little I have done to beautify our home. I've felt an urge, a tugging, to do more. I want to create a legacy that my husband and children will remember, that guests in our home will remember, and if something were to ever happen and I were to leave this earth, I hope that my home will speak to anyone who enters the way Kim's home spoke to me. The Spirit there is tangible, and the depths of her efforts evident.

To kickstart my new resolve I have begun the task of redoing roadside treasure furniture, part of which is matching nightstands. These will replace the flimsy little shelf on my side and the TV tray on Darren's side. I also bought a few packets of flower seeds today and will be preparing those for planting outside. I am slowly making progress with getting Emma's room where I want it to be (mostly focusing on wall hangings right now).

I never knew that a home beautified with love could be so powerful, and I'm grateful to find ways I can improve.

I'm a slacker

Oh my gooooooooooosh, I never thought I'd be one of those bloggers who, well, never blogged. I constantly think of posts I want to write, but when I actually have a minute I can never remember the things I want to write about. The few topics I do remember require more time than a few minutes can give me. Blerg!

One year

Emma turned 1 this past Sunday. I am having a hard time motivating myself to try to put into words all of my feelings on the matter, so I will simply say that I am in awe.  That girl inspires me.

Some pictures from the party:

 

This was taken on her actual birthday. I couldn't get a regular smiley
 picture, so I was happy to settle for her strawberry smirk ;)

I am very pleased with how everything turned out. I didn't have a ton of resources to work with, and I wanted to keep things simple (entertaining people socially is not my favorite thing). However, I also kind of wanted to set a standard for myself. You know, give myself something to beat with future parties and kids (if I should so desire to beat myself), but feel satisfaction that I didn't just give her a super lame-o party.

Points of pride:

• The homemade cake stand, which was clumsily connected off-centered. Boo for that. It sure is beautiful though!
• THE CAKE. IT WAS DELICIOUS. (My dad said if it were to receive a score it would be A+ ...and he's stingy with his foody compliments). I'm also happy with how it looks. Prettiest cake I've ever made!
• The micro-sized "happy birthday" banner. I just think it's cute. 
• The cradle Darren refinished. Nobody remembers where I got the cradle from, but I've had it as long as I can remember. At one point my sister Amanda and I spray painted it red, so Darren removed the paint and we stained it. I can't wait to watch her play with it. She's super adorbs playing with her doll. Mostly the crib serves as another place for her to deposit toys...she loves putting object in bowls and boxes. 

She continues to grow and develop in every aspect at an incredible rate. She is more grown up every day! However, she's also still so much a baby to me. I'm holding on to that as long as she'll let me. 

A short picture trip down Memory Lane

My computer is being ultra stupid right now and has prohibited proper use of the "Enter" key. Therefore, prepare to be blasted with pictures. I've spent the last month looking at all of her pictures since her birthday is Sunday (!!!!).                                                                                            

These two ARE my heart.

I don't even have words... so. much. perfection.

Can you handle the happy clapping face? Neither can I. Who taught her to be so cute?!

I miss my hair every time I look at this picture.

I want to kiss that sweet belly.

Throwback! This was my birthday a couple months after we started dating.

I want to kiss that mouth.

The first rays of sunshine after we got home from the hospital. AKA her first home jaundice treatment.

So small, soft, and fragile.

Gnawing on that frozen celery sure helps sooth the pain of teething!

Obviously there was something shocking in the book. I've made that face a few times myself.

I want to kiss that neck and chin. And mouth. And nose.

Milk drunk and hungover from shots (pun intended)

My favorite sleeping weirdo.

This picture has never actually been shared online. I love that it captures us though. For all his knuckledheadedness, he was such a strength to me. Labor hurts. 

Sharing a laugh with her friend in the book.

Stretch marks are beautiful?

You know what I'm tired of seeing?

Touchy feely write-ups/memes/videos/you name its about how "beautiful" stretch marks are. The kind one develops while carrying a child within their womb.

I don't care how you spin it, THOSE THINGS ARE NOT PRETTY. No amount of, "every mark I have reminds me of the time I carried you" sappiness will every change that. You know what else carrying a baby did to my body? Let's not go there. Let's just say that those things aren't pretty either. Neither can they be glamorized as reminders of pregancy. Ain't nothing glamorous about them.

I am all too aware that I carried a child within my womb. It wakes me up every morning by slamming a remote control on my face. It cries when I leave a room, and pitifully races after me on its hands and knees....sometimes just one knee. It looks like the spitting image of my husband. It will call me "Momma" whenever it learns how to talk. It has my heart so fully within her grasp, that I can't even fathom a time when she wasn't with me, and my heart wants to explode when I think about trying to measure my love for her.

Let's look at stretch marks for what they are: battle scars. Yeah, sure, scars are cool and all that, but that's exactly what they are. Fleshy, wonky, and ugly leftovers from war. And it isn't like each time one (or a million) cropped up we go, "Awww...I will treasure YOU forever, little purple lightning bolt". Thoughts tend to be less tender than that.

Is there such thing as a genuinely pretty scar? I contend that there is not.

Are all scars cool? HECK YES.

Do I proudly display the ones I have in exposable places, simply because they are cool? You bet I do.

This may all sound like bitter ranting, and I'm sure you're all thinking, "Poor Emily, bless her little heart. She must feel so self-conscious and unhappy with her stretch marks". Or worse, "Ugh, Emily is so ungrateful. I can't believe she'd complain about something like stretch marks. That's part of having a baby!". PRECISELY. It's just part of having a baby for a huge percentage of women. I understand the motive behind the "stretch marks are beautiful reminders" movement. Women tend to be self-conscious about their bodies, and some have a harder time coping with the atrocities child-bearing can leave behind (believe you me, I KNOW how that goes).

I agree that it is important that women learn to love and accept their bodies, new designs and all. But I will be hanged if I am told one more time that I need to appreciate these stupid stretch marks. "But honey, stretch marks are simply beautiful reminders of the life you brought into this world". Ohmuhgosh. Stop. Would I trade them for my beautiful baby? Never in a million years. Trillion years. Never. I would take stretch marks on my face if it meant getting that gorgeous daughter of mine. But do I have to appreciate them? The same way I appreciate my body's new ability to not hold its pee until I get to a bathroom, despite my direct orders to do so? The same way I appreciate some other cosmetic changes that we won't get into? Heavens, no.

I'll never appreciate them, cherish them, or be proud of them. They did not carry the baby, I did. I am indescribably proud of my body for that.

My body is amazing, stretch marks and other new quirks notwithstanding.

11 months

So...apparently I only post on a monthly basis now. Sigh.

Emma is 11 months old! Less than a month away until she is a whole YEAR old! So strange.

She plays like a toddler. She is very aware of everything, and she plays in a very focused way. We think she is a genius.

To celebrate we bought her a new-to-us crib for a super low price! I'm pretty excited about that because the crib she'd been sleeping in was pretty old, and the mattress wouldn't go low enough. Her chances of throwing herself over the side have decreased by about a billion.

A Few of the Things About Emma That We Find Hilarious/Adorable/Inspiring/Rewarding/ETC:

• She waves. I die. The words "hi", "bye", and "goodnight" are her prompt words. She frequently waves at the mirror and smiles (OH THE CUTENESS). She is really into double waves as well (both hands involved..again, OH THE CUTENESS).
• Her ability to imitate improves daily. We have grunting wars several times throughout the day. 
• She knows no obstacle and is a bit of a climber. She loves to climb on and off my parents' hearth, and if there is something, such as a box, between her and her objective, she will climb on it as much as necessary to accomplish her goal. This is dangerous. 
• Sitting on a bar stool at my mom's the other day while Emma was doing some ground exploration, I was made aware of her unexpectedly close presence when I noticed her little feet kicking in  my periphery--she had climbed over the lowest rungs of the stool I was on and was basically planking on them, unable to move forward or backward. 
• She makes herself laugh. She does this by either doing something hilarious, like throwing her socks down and picking them up again, or by making funny sounds. Sometimes she can entertain herself for minutes at a time.
• She LOVES Jack Donaghy (the dog)....from a distance. Not even a distance really, she just needs a measure of protection. She isn't a fan of sitting alone on the floor where he can just lick her head willy nilly. Her favorites are beating on the windows in the kitchen door when he's on the other side and playing with him through the doggy gate. 
• She watches us to make sure we notice her. She is shy, yet she craves attention. Often this means throwing her head into my neck, then checking to make sure the other person is watching, then going crazy for a few seconds (in which I nearly drop her every. time.), then diving her face into my neck again. Last Saturday she bought me an extra half hour of sleep by playing hard to get with Daddy as he was heading out to work on the yard. Everywhere he walked, she would follow with her head and "talk to him". She even would go towards his location in the room by crawling across the bed (thanks to me for her not crawling right off the edge). She flirted so hard (and I complained so hard), that eventually he just gave in and took her to the living room for some one-on-one cartoon watching so I could sleep ;) ...bless her.
• She has a very mischievous smile.
• Her snuggles are the very best in the history of snuggling babies.
• She is an angry crib stripper. As in, she attempts to yank off her clothing if she's angry enough when she's left to cry in her crib. 
• She is slooooooooooooooooowly grasping the concept of kissing. She tried to make-out with me a few times the last couple days, and I loved it. Open-mouthed baby kisses are the BEST!

10 MONTHS

I CANNOT believe this little girl is already 10 months old! How? How does time fly by SO quickly?! 

Emma has a hilarious personality, and never ceases to crack me up. How did I not know that babies this small could be so funny? I've always known they were cute, but seriously--she makes me LAUGH. My favorite is when she knows she's being funny, or when she knows we're being funny, and her laugh is deliberate. Oh my. So much cuteness.

Things That Make Emma Mimma Super Duper Awesome:

• Her cheeks. You can't get the full effect without touching them with your fingers. Sure, they look fluffy, but they're also soft and deep. Like bread dough. In other words, exceptionally kissable, and I do that A LOT.
• Her laugh. It is giggly and loud, and she tends to be super choosy about when she laughs, and who she laughs for. And when the "funny" is over, she lets you know by ceasing all giggles. She has a way of making me feel ridiculous when I continue my goofy sounds and tickly motions, and she's already moved on to trying to get away from me without an ounce of joy in her expression. Her laugh is such a gift, and I try to maximize each instance. If she even hints a laugh, the rest of the world stops so that I can try to hear more. I think she's on to me ;)
• Her sad face. It makes me laugh. Except when its caused by something traumatic, like falling off the couch or being trampled by the dog. Those things do not make either of us happy. (Well, maybe a tiny part of me enjoys comforting her. I love possessing that super power.)
• She is adorably shy. She demands attention, but when it is given, she hides her face. She likes to come in and out of hiding, which puts my face in great danger any time I am holding her close since she likes to rear her head back before plunging it into my collar bone--over and over again. My jaw has taken more than its fair share of her jolly method of hide and seek. When it starts I just throw my face up like the ceiling is really interesting until it's over haha
• She loves to practice new skills, but she knows when we are making a big deal about it, which makes her stop. We've been working with her on waving lately. Until a couple days ago, all she had given me was a couple of lackluster flicks of her wrist. She was sitting in her high chair the other day near the back door, watching the dog in the back yard. I turned around at one point and she was smiling and just waving and waving to him. I let out and involuntary squeal of excitement, and she squealed happily, and stuffed her hand into her lap, as though she hadn't been doing anything. She kept up a great big toothy smile while I moved in to smother her face with kisses. Her waving has improved since then. It takes a lot of coaxing, but she'll do it. She waved "bye" to Darren the other day as he drove off for work. She never waves without smiling.
• She has a determination in her that is more than admirable. It will probably drive me crazy for a good while as she grows up, but my word, that is not a bad attribute to have. I hope I can help guide her into channeling it in proper directions :) ...redirection is not the most effective parenting tool on her. She KNOWS when she's being shafted. I have to be sneaky with her, but she is no fool. For instance, there is a corner of the room from which she is prohibited (and she knows this...), and any time I take her from it, I try to distract her with other activities, but even if I plant her clear on the other side of the room, where the appealing aspects of that corner aren't even visible, she will immediately turn around and make a beeline back to it. Sigh. If I take the discipline approach and try to tell her "no", or gently slap her hand, or put her in her time out chair (lots of laughs watching her in that little chair!--p.s. it doesn't work), she gets ANGRY. Sometimes she'll stop in her tracks and look at me out of the corner of her eyes and slowly start to crawl again. I'll say "no", and put my hands in her way. She'll stop, slap my hands away, do this funny growl and squawk sound, and then glare at me out of the corner of her eyes as she slowly starts to crawl again. And repeat. 
• She is either very expressive or completely expressionless (which is often a clear expression of what she's feeling haha)
• She's becoming more social around other babies, and interacts with them beyond just stabbing their eyes. She and a little friend at church were crawling around at a baby shower yesterday, and it looked like they were really communicating as they destroyed gift bags together.  Adorbs. 
• Music has a calming effect on her. Reverence during the hymns can usually be achieved by holding her hand and conducting along with the music. That is something she and her Daddy do very well together. 
• She is so forgiving. She had RSV recently, and for all the times she fought me on the breathing treatment or on cleaning out her nose, screaming and crying the whole time, she would always cuddle in to me afterwards like I was saving the day and not the one who was inflicting torture. 
• Her little naked hiney when she rolls over and away before I can even blink during her diaper changes. It makes for a difficult diaper change, and sometimes a little swat on her cute behind, but gosh, it is SO cute! Especially when accompanied by the excited squeals of an escaped nudist. 
• Her singing voice. I often hear her in the car just singing and cooing. Occasionally she even grunts passionately (music really moves her ;) ). I really like when I am jamming along to the radio and happen to hear her. It's like she's singing with me :)

I think I say this every time I do a monthly update, but I say it again: I COULD GO ON FOREVER. There are countless things about that beautiful baby that make me weak with happiness and pride. Being a mother is AWESOME. I am so grateful that we were blessed with such a funny little personality, and I am so excited to be HER mom.